Blueberry Cucumber Smoothie (Vegan)

Speaking of cucumber weirdness, I’ve been loving this unlikely marriage of everyday cukes with our magnanimous friend the blueberry almost enough to ease my sorrow over giving up bagels.

Got the idea for this one from Vegetarian Times, but I have made a handful of changes to a) make it vegan; b) add protein; and c) enhance the flavor immeasurably, IMHO. (Side bar – can an opinion ever be humble? Seems like a rather unctuous turn of phrase to me … please accept my apologies.)

Anyway, for a detailed account of changes I made (which you are free to unmake), see the Notes section below.

Blue Cue Smoothie

  • 1 c. fresh blueberries
  • 1 large cucumber, peeled and seeded (I just scoop out the seeds with a spoon)
  • 1/2 c. unflavored non-dairy yogurt (I use Soyogurt)
  • 1/8 c. sliced raw almonds (unsalted)
  • 1 tbsp honey
  • 2 tsp lime juice
  • 1/8 c. (or more, to taste) non-dairy frozen yogurt, vanilla-flavored

Chop the cucumber and toss it in a food processor or blender with the other ingredients. Pulse several times until you reach desired consistency, and voila – a quick and healthy breakfast or snack containing vitamin C, protein, fiber and hella antioxidants, under 300 calories all told. The quantity here is enough for two servings – they’re pretty filling.


The Veg Times version calls for twice as much cucumber, twice as much yogurt (the latter being dairy and vanilla-flavored), lemon instead of lime, and no almonds or frozen yogurt. The almonds are critical for me – they add a smooth richness that makes it much more filling as well. And the fro-yo adds a bit of sweetness and structure. As for the lime, it was just because I had lime and not lemon, but I’m sure either is fine, though lime may be milder.

Play with the ratios all you want – personally I prefer to go heavy on the blueberries. And of course, feel free to use dairy versions of either the yogurt or frozen yogurt. You could make it with only frozen yogurt, but be careful with that because it could end up uber-sweet, and a strong vanilla flavor will mask the cucumber. (Learned this the hard way.)

 Blueberry pic from Interbay Farmer's Market

End Times Piña Colada and the See You In Hell Passion Fruit Mojito (Vegan)

That’s right, tonight we’re going to party like it’s May 20, 2011. Eat, drink and be merry, and then tomorrow we will party like it’s May 21st, 2011, and nothing unusual has happened because Harold Camping is a sociopathic ass who convinces people to ruin their lives and give him all their money in order to remind us all that we should thank our lucky stars we are not as vulnerable or gullible as his followers.

But seriously. I am astonished and amused at the idea of a doddering California radio personality captivating a global audience of thousands and convincing them that he alone among all humans for the past 2000 years has some profound insight into an ancient text (without even being educated on the languages in which it was written) that has eluded the most brilliant theological scholars for centuries and is able to accurately identify a date which even the Bible asserts can never be known by man or even angels. It’s the stuff that Dan Brown novels are made of. However, I do not find it funny at all that large numbers of people are quitting their jobs, abandoning their children, donating their life savings, and even committing suicide over these proclamations. I mean, really, Harold, could you possibly be any more evil without committing an indictable crime?

Let the record show that I am not religious. Nevertheless, I have plenty of religious friends who also know this Judgment Day business is bullshit. Christians and Jews and Buddhists and atheists and hedonists and pragmatists and jazz flautists alike can all at least agree on this point: Harold Camping is a jackass and we pity the shattered lives of his followers. The end.

With that said, we certainly shouldn’t miss an opportunity to celebrate Not The End Of The World, something that I hope we all do a little bit every day. Life is glorious and short and fragile and heartbreaking and amazing, and the best thing we can do for ourselves, our loved ones, and whatever higher power we might believe in or not is to appreciate what we’ve been given and not let it pass us by.

And for those of you who would like to sip a fruity cocktail while you wait for 6:00 pm to tick past tomorrow without any terrible earthquakes or crazy cultists ascending to heaven, I give you my following Rapture recipes …

End Times Piña Colada and the See You in Hell Passion Fruit Mojito

End Times Piña Colada*

  • 2 oz vegan rum
  • 8 oz pineapple coconut juice (available in the juice section of most Mexican markets)
  • 1/2 c. crushed ice

Place all ingredients in blender and blend for ~10 – 20 seconds. Pour into a tall glass and garnish with a maraschino cherry or umbrella or piece of pineapple or any combination of the above. Hint: When I make these, I usually quadruple the ingredients in the blender to make 4 drinks at once.

*Mind you, this is not a classic Piña Colada. Classic Piña Coladas are not vegan.

See You in Hell Passion Fruit Mojito

  • 3 oz vegan rum
  • 2 oz passion fruit juice
  • 1 lime, halved
  • Mint leaves from 8 sprigs or so
  • Ginger ale

Combine passion fruit juice, mint, and a splash of ginger ale in a tall glass. Lightly muddle the mint until it becomes slightly fragrant. Squeeze both lime halves in the glass and drop them in. Add rum and ice and stir. Fill the remainder of the glass with ginger ale and garnish with mint or lime or both.

For those of you on the East coast, I wish I would have thought of these sooner, because now you only have one more hour to party like it’s May 20, 2011. However, we will all have the rest of our lives to do so, and I don’t think we really need a fake Rapture to give us a reason to enjoy some delicious fruity cocktails.