End Times Piña Colada and the See You In Hell Passion Fruit Mojito (Vegan)

That’s right, tonight we’re going to party like it’s May 20, 2011. Eat, drink and be merry, and then tomorrow we will party like it’s May 21st, 2011, and nothing unusual has happened because Harold Camping is a sociopathic ass who convinces people to ruin their lives and give him all their money in order to remind us all that we should thank our lucky stars we are not as vulnerable or gullible as his followers.

But seriously. I am astonished and amused at the idea of a doddering California radio personality captivating a global audience of thousands and convincing them that he alone among all humans for the past 2000 years has some profound insight into an ancient text (without even being educated on the languages in which it was written) that has eluded the most brilliant theological scholars for centuries and is able to accurately identify a date which even the Bible asserts can never be known by man or even angels. It’s the stuff that Dan Brown novels are made of. However, I do not find it funny at all that large numbers of people are quitting their jobs, abandoning their children, donating their life savings, and even committing suicide over these proclamations. I mean, really, Harold, could you possibly be any more evil without committing an indictable crime?

Let the record show that I am not religious. Nevertheless, I have plenty of religious friends who also know this Judgment Day business is bullshit. Christians and Jews and Buddhists and atheists and hedonists and pragmatists and jazz flautists alike can all at least agree on this point: Harold Camping is a jackass and we pity the shattered lives of his followers. The end.

With that said, we certainly shouldn’t miss an opportunity to celebrate Not The End Of The World, something that I hope we all do a little bit every day. Life is glorious and short and fragile and heartbreaking and amazing, and the best thing we can do for ourselves, our loved ones, and whatever higher power we might believe in or not is to appreciate what we’ve been given and not let it pass us by.

And for those of you who would like to sip a fruity cocktail while you wait for 6:00 pm to tick past tomorrow without any terrible earthquakes or crazy cultists ascending to heaven, I give you my following Rapture recipes …

End Times Piña Colada and the See You in Hell Passion Fruit Mojito

End Times Piña Colada*

  • 2 oz vegan rum
  • 8 oz pineapple coconut juice (available in the juice section of most Mexican markets)
  • 1/2 c. crushed ice

Place all ingredients in blender and blend for ~10 – 20 seconds. Pour into a tall glass and garnish with a maraschino cherry or umbrella or piece of pineapple or any combination of the above. Hint: When I make these, I usually quadruple the ingredients in the blender to make 4 drinks at once.

*Mind you, this is not a classic Piña Colada. Classic Piña Coladas are not vegan.

See You in Hell Passion Fruit Mojito

  • 3 oz vegan rum
  • 2 oz passion fruit juice
  • 1 lime, halved
  • Mint leaves from 8 sprigs or so
  • Ginger ale

Combine passion fruit juice, mint, and a splash of ginger ale in a tall glass. Lightly muddle the mint until it becomes slightly fragrant. Squeeze both lime halves in the glass and drop them in. Add rum and ice and stir. Fill the remainder of the glass with ginger ale and garnish with mint or lime or both.

For those of you on the East coast, I wish I would have thought of these sooner, because now you only have one more hour to party like it’s May 20, 2011. However, we will all have the rest of our lives to do so, and I don’t think we really need a fake Rapture to give us a reason to enjoy some delicious fruity cocktails.